{"id":1510,"date":"2016-11-08T08:00:34","date_gmt":"2016-11-08T06:00:34","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/justmeneesha.com\/?p=1510"},"modified":"2021-07-06T11:01:53","modified_gmt":"2021-07-06T09:01:53","slug":"a-letter-to-my-mum-after-her-death","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/justmeneesha.com\/index.php\/2016\/11\/08\/a-letter-to-my-mum-after-her-death\/","title":{"rendered":"A letter to my mum, after her death"},"content":{"rendered":"

Dear Mum<\/p>\n

Last week I found myself facing one of the worst crises I\u2019ve ever experienced. I got home shaking, picked up the phone and dialled your number\u2026 then reality dawned and I put the phone down\u2026 and sobbed till I lost my voice.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s almost a month now that you\u2019re gone \u2026 a whole month.<\/p>\n

But the pain is still raw and debilitating. A memory sparked by the simple tinkle of your iPad can trigger an emotion so unbearable it feels like my every nerve is exposed and being dragged on hot coals.<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

\"img_1022\"

Dad and Mum during Diwali dinner in 2009. This picture captures the essence of their relationship<\/p><\/div>\n

We\u2019ve already had our first Diwali without you \u2013 a day we spent trying not to think of the Festival of Lights, a day filled with shadows we couldn\u2019t quite shake.<\/p>\n

Saskiya and Viaan miss you terribly. And Sas has taken to attributing every scrape she gets out of to you watching over and protecting her. \u201cMum, Mixie saved me today\u2026 I couldn\u2019t find my Drama book this morning. But I just asked Mixie to help me\u2026 and all of a sudden I looked in my bag and it was there! See! I told you \u2026 Mixie saved me, Mum.\u201d<\/p>\n

I smiled, nodded and turned my head as I wiped away the tears flowing down my cheeks. Thankfully, she was too happy to notice them. So you see, you still have this profound impact in your grandchildren\u2019s lives. They adore you unconditionally. They miss you but talk about you constantly \u2013 with love and hope.<\/p>\n

It just breaks my heart that their time with you was so short.<\/p>\n

Love and hope \u2013 in a sense this is what you symbolise to everyone who had the privilege of knowing you.<\/p>\n

Dad and I have spent hours talking about the amazing effect you\u2019ve had on the people whose lives you touched. You have broken many hearts, Mum. You have left many devastated at your sudden departure. We didn\u2019t realise it, but your love and generosity extended way beyond your immediate family. It crossed oceans, continents, and even Facebook timelines. Even a month after your passing, we hear from someone who knew you and their message is always along the same lines \u2013 you were a beautiful soul, who gave and loved unconditionally.<\/p>\n

Knowing this makes me even sadder. It makes me realise how much more you still wanted to do, still wanted to say.<\/p>\n

\"img_0976\"

One of the last photos we took of my mum this year<\/p><\/div>\n

Mere hours before you left us, we talked about your fresh chicken curry and how you would make it as soon as the fast was over.<\/p>\n

We talked about how happy you were that Saskiya was staying with you for the holidays and you could give her your undivided attention.<\/p>\n

How everything changed. And how quickly \u2013 I lay my head down after being told by the nurses you were doing well and I could see you in the morning. I was woken by the ominous ring of the telephone and just a few words through the receiver changed my life forever. Forever. Nothing is meant to be forever. But your death is.<\/p>\n

There were so many things I thought I still had the time to make sure you knew \u2013 things like how much I admired you, how much I wished I could draw people to me as you did, how you lit up a room as you walked in (or glided in on your wheelchair in the end).<\/p>\n

As mother and daughter we certainly had our ups and downs in our 45 years together. But these last few years have been more ups than downs. We\u2019ve had more heart-to-hearts, we\u2019ve shared more secrets, we\u2019ve complained more and understood, we\u2019ve been there for each other more than ever before. Then you left so suddenly \u2013 without warning, without a proper goodbye (but what is a proper goodbye, I ask myself over and over again). I find myself suddenly asking, \u201cWhy Mummy? Why now? Why?\u201d And I find myself unable to breathe.<\/p>\n

We are supposed to take comfort that your death happened on a perfect day in the Hindu calendar. \u201cShe couldn\u2019t have died on a better day,\u201d said the many priests we know. We were observing Purtassi, Navaratri and Monday, October 10, was also the day of the Sarasvati prayer. So, yes, it was a good day. But I cannot accept that it was a good day for you to die. I cannot accept that it was a good day for you to leave us forever. I cannot accept that I will never see you smiling again, will never hear your distinctive giggle again.<\/p>\n

A month later, and I cannot clearly conjure up your smile in my mind. I cannot clearly hear the sound of your tinkling laugh or the way you said \u201cHi\u201d when you called at least once every day. In my mind, your face is blurry on the edges and your voice tapers off. Is it because I cannot bear the memory? Is it because I resist accepting?<\/p>\n

A friend sent me this saying on one of my worst days.<\/p>\n

\"grief\"<\/p>\n

The key is to absorb, accept and adjust. We\u2019re adjusting because we have to. You would have been proud to see me cooking for my family and Dad! You would have been surprised I\u2019m sure. But you would have been proud. Adjusting makes me long for your presence just to see the look of approval in your eyes. And because of this I still cannot accept.<\/p>\n

On the day of your death I said I knew you were finally resting \u2013 it\u2019s been a difficult road for you, I know. But I selfishly wanted you back. That hasn\u2019t changed. I cannot see the way forward without you right now.<\/p>\n

You were my rock in so many ways. As I face this new crisis in my life, I keep thinking you would have had the answer \u2013 it may not have been the \u201cright\u201d answer, but it would have been a reassuring and calming answer.<\/p>\n

So, now I have to negotiate my way through life just as I am learning to cook \u2013 without you by my side, without your phone calls checking on me, without your soothing words.<\/p>\n

I love you mum. I miss you. I hope you really are watching over me, holding my hand and guiding me in the right direction.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Dear Mum Last week I found myself facing one of the worst crises I\u2019ve ever experienced. I got home shaking, picked up the phone and dialled your number\u2026 then reality dawned and I put the phone down\u2026 and sobbed till I lost my voice. It\u2019s almost a month now that…<\/p>\n

Continue reading<\/span><\/i><\/a> <\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":1514,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_exactmetrics_skip_tracking":false,"_exactmetrics_sitenote_active":false,"_exactmetrics_sitenote_note":"","_exactmetrics_sitenote_category":0,"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[9],"tags":[156,57,164,166,54,165,163,162],"class_list":["post-1510","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-lifestyle","tag-blog","tag-blogger","tag-death","tag-heartbreak","tag-justmeneesha","tag-love","tag-mother","tag-mum"],"yoast_head":"\nA letter to my mum, after her death<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Last week I found myself facing one of the worst crises I\u2019ve ever experienced. 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